Since Joel by Julie L. Schwartz

Author:Julie L. Schwartz
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Second Story Press
Published: 2020-02-13T17:42:27+00:00

MAGICAL ISLAND

Two months after your death, I was in uncharted territory, having never lived without you longer than the span of your summers away at camp. With time, I now understand and can even accept that you are gone. What I still don’t get is that you are gone because you are dead. Gone—yes. Dead—how is that possible? Maybe it’s that gone contains the possibility of return, but dead does not.

When you were very young and we didn’t yet know how different you were, we thought to send you to a children’s day camp that many neighbors recommended. Dad and I had each loved summer camp, and when we signed you up and told you all about the kids you’d meet and activities you’d get to do, you asked about the activity schedule and whether Thomas the Tank Engine could come with you to camp.

Your thin stem of a neck held your head of unruly curls, a dandelion bobbing out of a fresh white T-shirt, while your spindly legs poked out below the cuffs of blue shorts and took their sweet time getting you to the car. No one let me in on the carpool scene, so I drove to camp on that first day. You weren’t too eager to leave me, but when your unit head came to the office to pick you up and go to where the campers were gathering, you took his hand and went along. He was very tall, and when the two of you walked off, it looked like you were his teddy bear. By the time I got back to our house, there was a message from camp saying that you were having a hard time staying with your group and following instructions, and wondering if I had any suggestions. I asked them to be patient because new situations were hard for you.

Day one of week two, you didn’t want to go to camp. You said you didn’t like it when your counselor put you “in handcuffs.” I didn’t understand what you meant, and when you showed me what he did to you when you wandered off, I called the camp and asked for a meeting. Your counselor was relieved of his duties when he admitted that his idea of “managing” you was to bungee-cord your wrists together, tie you to a tree, and threaten what would happen if you told anyone about it. You never did tell on him. You only said you didn’t want to go to camp because you didn’t like wearing handcuffs.

There was so much I didn’t know that I just accepted the camp’s decision to not keep you as a camper anymore. It felt as if I had been given back a damaged item that didn’t fit in a display case of perfection. Rather than put you where you weren’t wanted, I plotted revenge and decided to out-camp camp. Wishing to accomplish this while preserving my sanity led me to an ingenious solution. Rather than stay home

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